The Subtle Signs of Emotional Abuse (and How to Take Your Power Back)

I recently came across the subject of abusive relationships, which is unfortunately more frequent for women to live through. But not only.

While this theme is less lighthearted than what I usually write about, I feel it’s important to talk about. Too often, we only label relationships as “abusive” when there’s physical violence, but emotional and psychological abuse is far more common—and often normalized.

In this article, I’ll explore what emotional and psychological abuse can look like, how to recognize it, and most importantly, how to step away and nurture yourself back to wholeness.

Read on, loves 💖

What an abusive relationship can look like

Abuse isn’t limited to couples or physical harm—it can show up in friendships, families, workplaces, or any relationship in your life.

Emotional and psychological abuse is harder to spot because it often hides under the surface. But here’s the truth: whoever you’re with, you should feel celebrated, valued, and safe. If instead you often feel drained, doubtful, or like you’re walking on eggshells, your energy is being siphoned. You always feel it.

Have you ever:

• Left a conversation feeling confused, doubting yourself?

• Shared something you love, only to feel dismissed or belittled?

• Opened up about your feelings and ended up feeling like the bad guy instead?

• Felt constantly tired after spending time with someone?

If you recognize yourself in one or more of these, the relationship is abusive in some way.

Usually, abusive relationships are paired with manipulation and control. It can span from the most basic techniques to really advanced ones, which are harder to spot.

It does not always come from a place of wanting to intentionally hurt you. More often than not, manipulative and abusive people are hurt themselves.

What usually happens in these situations is that they try to dim your light because instead of being inspired by it, they fear it and it shows them what they don’t want to see about themselves. So they choose to crush it instead to feel somewhat superior.

This should not act as an excuse, but as a way to understand what happens under the surface. We are all able to make our own decisions and choose to elevate and meet ourselves in a different way.

How to recognize an abusive relationship and steer clear of it

If there are many types of emotional and psychological abuse, the manipulation « techniques » usually follow similar patterns.

Here are some of the most frequent ones:

1. Gaslighting: This is a technique in which a person tries to convince another that their reality is not true.

Think of expressing your feelings to someone and they tell you that you are wrong to feel that because they « could never hurt you », or « do you really think so little of them »?

The same thing happens if you saw something a person did, but they would twist the reality to make you doubt what you actually saw, even though you were sure of it some minutes ago.

Then, you are left actually apologizing to that person for expressing yourself, feeling like you did something wrong and need to work on yourself.

2. Subtle Put-Downs in repetitive ways. If the person regularly « jokes » about something that you do, say, or one of your physical features, it is not a joke, it is a technique to make you feel less than what you are. That way, you start believing less in yourself and are thus much easier to control. You might even long for that person to compliment you and unconsciously seek their validation. That will result in you modifying your behavior and what you would naturally do to get their approval.

For example, let’s say that you love listening to a certain type of music, and that person always makes « jokes » about it. On a surface level, it can look like they are just teasing you and having fun, but what it actually does is that you will start feeling bad for doing something that you love. It will result in you adjusting your behavior to avoid criticism, thinking that it is your own decision.  But in truth, it is just them taking away your joy - aka your power.

3. Guilt traps: This is a very common technique in abusive relationships. The person does something that makes you feel bad and instead of apologizing sincerely and actually owning up to what they did, they will say that « they feel bad for doing that to you ». That way, the attention is on them, not on you, and you are the one who will end up comforting them and validating their feelings, while you are completely disregarded.

Another version of this method is to make you feel guilty about not doing what they want. In that case, you will end up literally crossing yourself to « make them feel better ». It can span from words like « I am going to stay alone », « You always go to bed early », « You spend more time with this person than with me », etc.

If there is obviously nothing wrong with being present for someone you love, it depends on how you feel when you do it and where it comes from on their end. If you do something that obviously makes you feel good and the person tries to make you feel bad about it or make you do something different for their own benefit « just this one time », this is manipulation.

4. Crushing your joy: Joy is power—and controllers can’t stand it.

If you are genuinely excited or happy about something and the person you are with finds ways to crush it, this is plain right manipulation and control. Whoever you are with should encourage that joy and even participate in it or be inspired by it.

For example, I once was with a man with whom we planned to go horseback riding for my birthday. We had a late night the day before (which he insisted on continuing) and we were both tired the next day. He asked me if I wanted to still go to the riding session and I said yes, I had brought my old riding gear and really wanted to go. But throughout the day he kept asking me if I wanted to go, and that maybe it was not the best thing to do if I was tired - in other words pretending that he was protecting me. Until I said that he was right and we would not go.

Now, if he really cared about what was best for me, he would have seen that going would have brought me a lot of joy and even if we were tired, he should have encouraged it and said « I know we’re tired but you were so happy about this, let’s go ».

Instead, he manipulated me into thinking that he had my best interests at heart, when in fact he never wanted to do this activity so he found a way to avoid it, making sure that he could not be blamed for it.

5. Shifting blame: This is a total classic, manipulation 101.

You bring up their mistake, and suddenly it’s your fault. They forgot a meeting? You didn’t remind them. They left you to do all the shopping? You didn’t say the fridge was empty. You’re left doubting yourself instead of holding them accountable.

👉 If you notice any of these patterns, even slightly—have zero tolerance. Don’t stay, don’t try to “help them change.” Deal with what you’re shown, not their potential, because they might never get there.

Always go with what you feel and what your gut tells you. Learn to listen to it and take action accordingly. It is never wrong.

Coming out of an abusive relationship

Leaving can feel daunting, especially if your life is entangled with theirs—financially, emotionally, or practically. Fear of being alone, losing stability, or starting over can keep you stuck.

But these relationships rarely get better. They usually get worse. If you need to sort things out before you finish this relationship, like finding a new job, home, etc., it would be wise to do so. And the minute you can do it, get out. Even if you feel scared. The bravest thing you can do is choose yourself.

This is also part of the manipulation trap, you somehow end up thinking that you can’t make it without them, that you need them to feel good or be safe, when actually it’s the opposite.

When you leave, your nervous system may take time to recover. After living in constant alert, peace might even feel strange at first. Be patient with yourself—healing is not only possible, it’s inevitable with care.

Focus on your self-care, prioritize yourself and do what makes you happy, follow your joy. Here are some practices to support your recovery:

• Rest & go slow. Give your system the reboot it needs.

• Breathe through anxiety. Repeat: “I am safe.”

• Ground yourself. Try 5 minutes of yoga in the morning or conscious breathing at night.

• Choose joy daily. Do what lights you up—reading, painting, dancing, meeting friends.

• Express yourself. Journal, talk with trusted friends, or share your story. Releasing it helps you reclaim power.

Over time, you’ll feel more grounded, whole, and sovereign in yourself.

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If emotional and psychological abuse once felt like the norm in households, workplaces, or relationships, things are shifting. We’re beginning, collectively, to say no.

It isn’t always easy to recognize, but I hope these words gave you clarity—for yourself or someone you love.

If you want grounding practices to navigate hard times, or know someone who does, reach out.

Share this article, comment, or send me a private message. These conversations matter.

And as always, I’ll be back in two weeks with more reflections on wellness, travel, and slow living.

With love 🩵

Elodie